Road Bible

Just starting out, or want to? This one's for you!

Road Bible

Unread postby E=MC2 on Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:24 pm

So You Want My Job???

Written By Roadie "M"

Don't anyone take this offensively,I'm taking time from figuring out my float to
give some
"insight" to anyone who "wants" to work "on the road"read on.......

Do you have a: family, pet, wife, kids, home, disgusting habit, desire for lots
of sleep, diet that
consists of water and tofu, motion sickness, inability to lift more than 75 lbs
(just to name a
few), if you ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE, Stay at Home because you wont make it
out here,and what you had left will be gone when you get back.While you're
thinking of your
woman getting porked by your neighbor,or Fido running into traffic,as well as
your kids telling
you about your long lost brothers who sleep over while you're gone.After whining
to us about
your $1000 cell phone bill, I don't want you dropping a shackle from the grid,
tipping a PA
stack over, electrocuting a lighting guy, or puking in someones bunk, which may
lead to getting
yourself in deep horsepuckey.Thers nothing worse than having to pick up a
slackers slack.  
(Especially when preventable)

Think you're a good candidate?? Hardcore???, ready for battle??  Read on

Schools are a good foundation for jobs in "enhanced enviroments", no school can
simulate a
18,000 seat bldg, or teach you how to lift a console, or pull cable, stack,
power up, repair,
without hurting yourself or someone else.  As well as making it sound good, look
good, or get
there in one piece.  If you have the money go for it.   But don't think for a
minute a sound or
lighting co is going to make you a trade mag worthy engineer overnite.after you
spend 30
grand,and get your first gig,guess what?   Youll still be stacking pa, trusses,
pulling cable,
loading trucks, driving trucks, busses,etc.  There is no substitute for
experience, but in a school
you will learn some basics.  Edicate, Practical Application, and knowing what
the f*ck to do
when something goes wrong will come with experience.  Unless youre ignorant, or

The Big Green Book of rock n roll
This book is not for sale.Its never been published,youll never see a copy. 
Excerpts have been
handed down,(the same way Moses got his) as follows:
Page 1The GIG comes first
Page 2 You will never see anything in this book that tells you this job is fair.
Page 3 Dont be late,if you are bring a copy of your obituary
Page 4 First time it's a favor next time its your gig
Page 5 On the way up, those you stepped on will sh*t on you, as you come back
Page 6 The Band will always win
Page 7 Know what to do when something goes wrong.or else.
Page 8 Be nice.Being an asshole will only get you a window or aisle seat,one
Page 9 No one gives a rats ass how you did it with xyz band.Theres a right way,
wrong way
and our way.
Page 10 Don't fix it till its broke
Page 11 The wheel has already been invented,sometimes it needs new tires,or a
little bit of
air,have a workbox ready,and an airhose,and know how to use em.Trying to
reinvent the wheel
may cause you to get locked in a workbox with a hose up your a**.Take Care of
your sh*t.
Page 12 The rumor you started will end.see page 8
Page 13 Everyone gets paid to do theyre job.Want more money? Get another job,or
be best at
what you do,learn your "bosses"job.
Page 14 Call girls make good money, whores get screwed for free, don't get
caught with your
pants down
Page 15 Trust and respect are earned.
Page 16 Thou shall not lie,Thou shall shut up.eventually the truth will come
out, you may earn
repect,or get a choice of seats.
Page 17 Bandmembers wives,girls etc have passes for one reason know who you're
with in all aspects.
Page 18 Don't be stupid,check and double check,or someone may not live to see
their next
Page 19 Tour managers /Production managers do exactly what they're title says,
They arrange
travel as well.and always have cash and credit cards.  Piss them off and youll
find out what
else they can do. 
Page 20 Nothing is secret or sacred on the road.we will find out eventually.
Page 21 ASK IF YOU DON'T KNOW,Just Don't Ask the wrong person
Page 22 What goes on on the road, stays on the road
Page 23 Understand politics,but don't get involved with it.

Get the picture???? Eventually you will.....maybe....keep reading......

The prostitution theory and touring (note: both boys and girls can be
prostitutes,or whores for
the purpose of this analogy)

Prostitution and whores have been around for a zillion years.  In the touring
industry, the
concept of performing gracious, skilled,professional tasks happens daily.   Just
like cheap
whores and well paid prostitutes.  There is a difference between a prostitute
and a cheap
whore.  A Top Shelf Prostitute looks good,is clean,smells good,knows how to
handle herself,
stays out of trouble(or tries) does things in a business like manner,and is
loved by many,as
well as hated by a few.  She gets what
she wants because of most of the above and doesn't have to work as hard as a
whore.   A good
prostitute can charge a premium rate, and if someone doesn't want to pay that
simply walks away with a smile as someone else will have her(remember shes good
business) and she provides a much needed service.
If she has to do something out of the norm,she charges more and gets it, if one
is not willing to
pay they get nothing.A good prostitute knows that the customer always comes
first(no pun
intended),and will always have work

A Whore may do things for thrills,bartering or a few quick bucks.  She may need
a bath, have a
history with the health dept in every major city, dress like sh*t, and be
physically offending
Cops always lock her up, she pisses people off, may have tons of bad habits, but
still provides
the same service as her upscale rival.  She has to work twice as hard,charges
less,is a major
pain in the ass, has a ton of "baggage" and wont do anything special but
basically gets the job
done.  A whore has a short life expectancy for different reasons,and usually
disappears as fast
as they came on the scene.  Sometimes a rude awakening will send her off to the
clothing store,
doctor,makeover shop, and a bathtub, and she may break out of the ragged image
shes taken
on.It takes twice as much hard work to get "back on top", with early retirement,
or physical
problems ending her career.

ACT LIKE A PRO,and you will reap the rewards of repeat work,better
money,and a decent life DON'T BE A WHORE.............

If you really want to work in the touring industry,find a touring related job. 
Go to a sound
company, lighting co, trucking co, pyro company, bus co, and apply for a job. go
to a local
show and get on the "Call", get hired, pay your dues and you will be partially
on the road to
success. Shut up listen and learn and have no fear of manual labor.  No one will
hire you from
job corps,the newspaper,or lottery.  If you want this job YOU have to get it.It
rarely gets
handed down.(there are a few exceptions like band members families in "other"
types of music
but that doesn't last long).yes really.
The shit you put up with in the beginning will educate you for the latter,school
or no school.We
don't want snivelers,whiners,or crybabies.  Ex- Military folks do well on the
road,and adapt
quickly.Wanna know why???  Discipline, familiarity with sh*tty
conditions,knowledge of team
work and organization, Learning how to go through a chain of command, and above
learning to be an expert in their field, and understanding unit comraderie. 
There is no grievance
board,or company nurse,sick days, or foo foo baskets on birthdays. The tour is
the nation, with
different ranks, rules and policies.   Many are unwritten (go back to the green
book files)  This
Isn't just a job, it's a different way of life.  Be good at something.  If that
something is desirable
you will always be working.  Don't sell yourself short.  If you cant live on
what someone wants
to pay you, find another job.

You want my job??? Get the fu$%k off your ass and do something.  Dont just sit
something,open a phone book,look in a newspaper,or pollstar,or a schedule, and
something.  Dont just sit there, DO SOMETHING!
Epilogue:  On another note,"touring can be like boyscout camp with
__________." After the work is done.  NOW GO!
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:18 pm
Main job: audio

Re: Road Bible

Unread postby 30x90 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:40 pm

Well said, my man.Preach on.
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2009 4:28 am
Main job: guitar tech

Re: Road Bible

Unread postby leverletto on Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:17 pm

Very good!!
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:06 pm
Main job: Lights

Return to Trainees / Wannabes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

Green Web Hosting! This site hosted by DreamHost.
Green Web Hosting! This site hosted by DreamHost.